trick or tre…*facepunch*

Happy Halloween, Trashcan Monster! This year I think I’m going to dress up like the black kid and just instantly react to any movement around me with a punch in the face. Wife reaches for tv remote: boom, facepunch. Co-worker pushes a button on the elevator: ka-powey. Bird flys a little too close: unhesitating Shoryuken to the beak.

can i make another “in soviet russia…” joke?

Is that allowed? Do I lean on this old standby a little too much whenever I post something about Russia?

Perhaps I do. I will play this one straight: In Soviet Russia AHHHH MURDER-BUS! RUNNNN!

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note to self: never prank someone…

…in the immediate vicinity of Tony Jaa or anyone possessing his amazing backkicking abilities.

I can’t stop watching this clip. It comes from a Candid Camera type show in Brussels, so it should be no surprise that Jean Claude Van Dam also thinks it rocks.

"YEAAAA!"

anderson silva has learned how to manipulate the matrix. he will save us all.

Here we see Anderson Silva back-peddling and throwing casual-looking shots from the waist. Even if I was fighting a handicapped 4 year-old girl, I don’t think I could make it look this easy and Anderson is not fighting a toddler here. He is fighting a skillful, well-conditioned, athletic monster of an opponent (I’m pretty sure Forrest could beat me up using only his ears, but — to be fair —  his ears are probably a little bigger than me), and he’s making it look so easy.

 

 

He’s just scary good. Where did he come from? What the heck is he doing different from everyone else that just puts him on a different level?

you’ll poke your eye out

Seriously Wushu guys, be careful with those pokey things.

And ladies, be careful with those…um…light? sabers? It’s all too easy to lose a limb with those things.

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blimey guv’na! you got ktfo’d!

This is so ugly that it’s just beautiful. The way Bisping’s head goes be-yoi-yoi-yoing from side to side like a speed bag is pretty sick and Hendo definitely gets extra entertainment points in my book for giving ol’ Mister Right Hand a lil’ kiss just before swan diving into that last shot.

cheerio! pip pip!

Bisping didn’t make it to the post-fight press conference, but one of his trainers had this to say of him:

‘E’s passed on! This fighter is no more! He has ceased to be! ‘E’s expired and gone to meet ‘is maker! ‘E’s a stiff! Bereft of life, ‘e rests in peace! If you hadn’t nailed ‘im to the mat ‘e’d be pushing up the daisies! ‘Is metabolic processes are now ‘istory! ‘E’s off the twig! ‘E’s kicked the bucket, ‘e’s shuffled off ‘is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-FIGHTER!”

the art of defensive boxing

I have always loved this gif of Ali standing right in front of his opponent with his hands down at his waist, making it look so easy to slip this guy’s best shots. It’s like he’s learned to manipulate the freaking Matrix or something.

I’ve heard other people say that this isn’t really that impressive since he stays out of range for four of the five punches, but I’d always dismissed their criticism as typical online contrarianism/know-it-all-ism (plus, I find Ali’s swagger to be just as impressive as his skill here). But then someone directed me to an incredible highlight of Pernall “Sweet Pea” Whitaker that really got my attention. Check it out — trying to punch this guy must be like trying to punch a ghost:

modern samurai

I’ve been seeing this guy around quite a bit, bisecting tiny mushrooms and flying baseballs and all kinds of crazy stuff, but this, I think, is his most impressive feat: cutting a 6mm airsoft pellet in half, mid-flight. Is this real life? As one YouTube commentator noted, even if this took him a hundred takes to film it’s still crazy impressive.

batman vs. catwoman

How it goes down in real life:

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miami vice’s 12 seconds of credibility

Enjoy the first minute and fifty eight seconds for the fine 80s fashions and the silly shotgun-induced-explosions, but the last twelve seconds is where it’s at.

Lessons learned: be careful if you ever see “the help” wearing shooter’s earplugs and be extra careful if your driver turns out to be professional shooter, Jim Zubiena. Holy smokes that guy is fast.